April 9th, 2013

Good news…finally! Now I can breathe a little easier. Everything works out as it was meant to..gotta remind myself of that sometimes. I am very hopeful about the future and looking forward to it!

Also, this year has gone by super fast already! 2013 is said to be the year of the snake, according to Chinese astrology. My sign is the snaaake. chayeah. lol

April 5th, 2013

I feel like such an asshole. I have someone in my life who cares about me more than anything, who tries so hard for me and I always end up being the one to fuck up and in turn hurt him. I feel like a failure. & our 2 year anniversary was the other day. I can’t believe It’s been that long already. Our dating again was so random and I’m honestly surprised that I have made something last this long. Nick is a great person. He makes me happy and I love him dearly. I really do hope we can get through this. 

This year has been rough so far. I fucking hate being poor. I also hate this apartment and sharing it with Cody. I cannot wait to get out of here. I’m ready to move somewhere else. I want to visit Canada, Russia, Germany, Ireland, Italy, Australia, and sooo many other places. I want to experience life. 

I am so tired of sitting around and doing nothing. ah it seriously kills me to think that I am wasting time, essentially. But, you have to have money to do all of these things.

fuck fuck fuck fuck. UGH.

Starbucks, you better come through for me.

March 23, 2013

Days like today make me feel very hopeless. I know starting my period this morning did not help anything but I really am seeing where my emotions seem to run very high and low. I can’t deal with talking to certain people. I am trying to deal with things in the best way I know how. What doesn’t make sense to me is how I have gotten to be 23 years old and I was never in my life diagnosed with anything other than depression. Have I just been lying to myself all these years? Have people made me become fucked up in the head? I just want to feel pure and joyful again. I know that I am going to have good and bad days no matter what. But on the bad days, I need a better way to cope. No one really seems to want to be around me lately. I guess I wouldn’t want to be around me either. I feel like an other worldly piece of shit. I truly feel awful for putting nick through what I have for the past month or so. All I want is to do something decent with my life and be happy with nick. I want him to do what makes him happy. I know he wants me to be happy too and to finally feel better. We don’t honestly have the money for me to go to a psychiatrist but I think that I need to. I feel like I am going to have issues with any job I am at if I don’t fix what is going on. I think that I may be bipolar. I know I should be thankful for what I have and I am don’t get me wrong. I also love my family but I just don’t understand why god had to put the two people together that he did and make me as I am. The thought of having to be on medication the rest of my life makes me want to cry. I don’t want to be one of those people. Why did I have to get like this? I don’t really know what the truth is anymore. I have met so many amazing people in my life and I feel like the ones I think are really awesome, there has been a riff with. I am the riff. I have talked to my mom about all of this a little and she says well maybe you should go to talk to a shrink. She said that was the only way she was able to get over everything she has been through and Jamie has told me the same thing. I really don’t want to have to ask her for the money for it though. I think she would give it to me if she could but It’s like this, she worries enough about me and everything else in the world. I don’t want to give her anymore burdens to carry. I know how to cheer myself up temporarily…through music, books and movies. but that isn’t real life. My brother thinks it is and it kills me. I never want to be that way. That is not LIVING. My poor father kept his psychological issues at bay for a long time up until a few years ago when he tried to kill himself. I really don’t want it to get to that point. I honestly think I might have tried it by now if I didn’t have nick and my mom. The two people that have ALWAYS looked out for me. Feeling this way makes me feel like a helpless child. but I am not a child anymore. I want to do better and feel better. I want to make the world a better place. I have never been very religious but I am seriously thinking about trying a church around here out. I am willing to do anything at this point. I can’t keep trying to live like this. As soon as I take a step forward I feel like I always eventually get knocked 5 steps back. I don’t understand why I have to be this way. God, help me now, please.

March 19th, 2013

Hello again Tumblr world, It has been quite some time now. I figured since lately my thoughts have been such a jumbled up mess, I would spare my boyfriend a bit and do a little therapeutic writing. 

It has been increasingly difficult lately, for me to see the bright side of things. I’m having a hard time accepting how many times and ways I’ve managed to fuck myself over. I feel as though when I open my mouth, I stick my foot in it. It has gotten to a point where I seriously feel like I have to watch what I say around certain people. Yes, this may seem like an obvious one here. It hurts my heart to not be able to say what I feel and what I want to anyone and anything. 

I was told recently by my “friend” jess that she thinks I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. haha I was told that by a shrink when I was 15, we tried to sort through my problems, if you will. I honestly feel that the whole thing was just a waste of time and money. First off, I did not want to go, but mother made me. She could see that I was struggling and I knew she was just trying to help but you can lead a horse to water, however you cannot make it drink. The only thing I think I got out of it was this, “you have to create your own happiness”.

Sometimes I wonder if a magic pill would just fix everything. I truly do feel that it is only a means to an end. Everyone has been telling me lately that I should go talk to a professional about these things. It is visibly obvious that I have not been happy and I am struggling. But I mean, everyone struggles. I know the things I need to do to be in a better place. I need to find a way to make money so I can pay my bills and get caught up on everything. It would probably be a good idea to get a second hustle as well so that I can actually save for a car and all of this god forsaken dental work that I need done. It just makes it all the more difficult when you share a car and are having to go around someone else’s schedule. It honestly almost feels like an impossible situation for me, but I know It’s not.

I can’t help but think that Cody just sees me as a hindrance to his music career taking off. He sure knows how to make someone feel beneath him. I don’t think he means to do it, but he does. Nowadays I can’t be around him very long without becoming irritated. Yesterday him and Jp were hanging out, playing video games, I came and sat in the living room a few minutes and we got to talking about school. Jp and I were explaining our school situations and Cody asks me, why did you do this, this and this? I’m like, I know I screwed it up but it honestly felt like a waste of time and money when I was going to school without knowing what I was going for. but, at least I gave it a shot. So what if I am 8k in the hole now from not even a full year of school.

I truly hate this situation that I am in. I wonder when my family is going to move, and where. I also wonder if and when brother wolf goes on tour, which that is the plan for this summer, how is that going to work? How will it work financially for one, and how will it work emotionally for us? I know it will be hard if I can’t go, which as of right now, I’m not sure if I want to even if I could. All I want for Nick is to be happy with what he is doing. I know that he wants to take care of me to the best of his abilities, and I know he would not go on tour and leave me with the weight of all of our bills without a way to pay them. We aren’t even married yet but we might as well be. That is the way we regard our relationship. I want him to have the experience of tour and being a signed band, because that is what he wants and will make him most happy. I just honestly don’t know if I can make it on my own. Especially if my family is no longer here.

I would like to think that I will have some strong friendships again when that time comes to help me get through it. but it seems like the people who I thought were “friends” have a messed up approach to some important matters. When you know that someone is having a hard time, you should ask them if they are okay and let them know that you’re here for them, not just keep your distance and wait for something to change. That’s just like when you have a problem with me, you can’t just keep your distance and not address what’s going on. I mean, isn’t that common sense? When these things happen it only leads me to believe that the person does not care.

I have accepted that certain individuals will think and do what they want, that is your right as a human being. I have realized that at some point you just have to stop trying, like nick was telling me the other day, forget about them. I try again and again to show people that I care about them and want to be their friend, and that’s all you can do. If they don’t want to put any effort into the relationship, so be it. I won’t continue to give you my time when you won’t give me any of yours. 

Sometimes, it does leave a bitter taste in my mouth. All I have ever tried to do was be honest, nice and a good person. Some will try to take advantage of that, some will be jealous and hate you for it or whatever you have that they want, and others will just completely misunderstand you. I have come to realize that is just the way people are. I try to find the good in everyone, I think that is why I can get along with most people. But when it comes to having anything real with someone, you’re fighting nearly a losing battle. It only becomes more difficult the older we get. We all become more busy, jaded and unreachable. Sad facts of life.

That is about all I have for now but I shall return.